Gone Drinkin'

I'm off for a long Independence Day weekend upstate. The town is called S-K-A-N-E-A-T-E-L-E-S. But you say it almost like "skinny atlas." Whatever. I'll be pronouncing it "Bud-Why-Zer." I've never been up there, but it is my understanding that it will look a little something like this:


"Keg stands," "Beirut," repeated "boot 'n' rally" escapades, and possibly something called "Flip Cup" all appear to be traditional parts of the ritual. I'm guessing frisbee and jam bands will also be involved. And, I would imagine, frequent use of the terms "bro/brah" and "guy" as acceptable forms of address. I'm joking. Mostly. A full report to follow next week.

Anyway, before departing for drunker climes, the management brings you another edition of...

Andy's Friday Video Corner!



Young Andy Keaton has thousands of mind-expanding and I.Q.-lowering videos up his adorable little sleve, but this week only three made the cut:

First, the staggeringly unfunny Jamie Kennedy somehow convinced the suprisingly raunchy Bob Saget to make a video with him. The results are mixed.

Andy's big brother Alex P. Keaton sent this educational video along. Andy now hopes that someday he, too, can reach the state of Clear.

Finally, a dramatization of my Fourth of July weekend.

"Okay guys, one more thing: this summer when you're being inundated with all this American bicentennial Fourth Of July brouhaha, don't forget what you're celebrating; and that's the fact that a bunch of slave-owning, aristocratic, white males didn't want to pay their taxes."

Art! Brut! Top of the Pops!

It has taken a couple days to get this up, largely because I am a) busy; b) lazy; or c) forgetful. In any case, as you may have heard, Britain's revered Top of the Pops is being pulled off the air after 42 years. That means Art Brut only has a couple weeks to get on the show! Prevent a great injustice by signing this petition to ensure that Eddie Argos & Co. fulfill their destiny. [Thanks for the link, Tye.] 4,341 signatures so far, so your 30 seconds of effort will make a big difference.

Some very sad news: Channel 101 has cancelled Yacht Rock. First Freaks and Geeks, then Arrested Development, now this. Gee, thank god Deal or No Deal is still going strong.

A World Cup lamentation: Now that Ghana and Australia are out of the tournament, where does one turn for the "plucky underdog" factor? Ukraine just isn't cutting it for me. The Black Stars were tough, lightning-quick, and cool-looking... and they all crossed themselves when entering/leaving the game and after each shot on goal. The Socceroos were brutal, exciting, surprisingly good-looking, and a complete surprise. (And they got robbed!!) Ukraine? Well. I guess I'm rooting for them because they play the despised Italian team tomorrow. So, go Ukraine, I guess.

All right. I know it's shameful given my ethnicity and upbringing, and I can't even mention it to the bartenders at Connolly's, but I'm really behind the England team. Besides, Wayne Rooney? You telling me that dude's not Irish?? The guy's face turns red if you so much as think about him! Just look:


Wayne's the biggest cabbage-head I've ever seen. And he's got the full-on red mist of Irish anger, too. (Plus his super-cute girlfriend's name is Coleen McLoughlin!)

Like a true Pope-loving Irish baby machine, I'm claiming special Wayne Rooney dispensation this year. So let's hear it for the Three Lions... ENGLAND!!

**UPDATE** Forgot to put this up earlier. Somebody, PLEASE, kick Brandon Flowers in the teeth before he opens his mouth again!

Strange Happenings? Unchecked Weirdness? Signs of the Apocalypse? You Be the Judge...

The world has gone completely insane. In one weekend, all hell has broken loose. How can one person's Monday inbox be so crammed full of bonkers shit?

It all started Sunday with an attempted viewing of the unrated remake of Wes Craven's The Hills Have Eyes. Oh my holy Christ I have never seen anything so utterly revolting and sadistic in my life. And for the record, I have attended three Fangoria Weekend of Horrors conventions (next one is Sept. 29 in Seacaucus, NJ!) and I have seen most of Lucio Fulci's Zombi films and I have also seen the films of Herschel Gordon Lewis (including The Wizard of Gore). Still I was unprepared for the mindless depravity of this film. We had to turn it off when, 1/3 of the way through the film, an inbred nuclear mutant bit off the head of a parakeet and then turned the bird upside down and squeezed the blood into his mouth. To whom do the filmmakers hope to appeal with this kind of wanton bird violence?? (A potential answer to this question appears later in this very post.) Anyway, it was well done that we shut the thing off... based on this genius Vinyl Edition review. There will never be a day when I want to witness "Agonizing Screams Of Pain And Terror While Getting DP-Raped By A Couple Of Mutant Radiation Men."

Anyhoo, we then watched a Netherlands/Portugal World Cup Match descend into madness. The ref waved a record-tying 16 cards during the match, including four red cards. Complete mayhem. THEN, we walked to Central Park to see Feist play Summerstage. We got lost in the Ramble and got there roughly halfway through the set, only to find that the whole thing was sponsored by Le Consulat General du Canada... in observance of Canada Day! Canada Day isn't until July 1, but whatever. It was just nice to get oot and watch the Canadians dance aboot.

Then this morning Siobhann sent me House Resolution 1998 from the Georgia General Assembly. In this particular resolution, actual lawmakers propose that "the members of this body commend Mel Gibson on the making of "The Passion of the Christ" and extend to him their best wishes for future success and continued health and happiness." I am scared.

Soon after, Gael sent me the video for "Gem Sweater." Uh. Wow. Sample lyric: "With these shoulder pads I have the strength to destroy villages, homes, and crops." And the hilarity continued at the bands(?) MySpace page. I recommend the song about zombie killers.

Then a quick lunchtime trip to watch the second half of the Australia/Italy match. The Socceroos got called for an absolutely nonexistent foul three minutes into stoppage time(!!), leading to an Italian free kick 10 feet from the goal. A complete travesty that handed the game to an Italian side that, frankly, deserved to go home losers. And the fake fall was just ridiculous. I think the ref might have mafia ties. I have decided to call this incident The Wop Flop. Oh come on! That's funny! Hey, some of my best friends are Italian!

Next over to BoingBoing, where I found out that the birds in my home town have started going insane on drugs (birds again!).

Finally, there came the craziest of the crazy: A Maury Povich segment wherein he mercilessly tortures Mariam, a woman with a crippling pickle phobia... by dragging her into a pickle factory! Talk about tough love. That's like pushing an acrophobic out of a fucking airplane! Thanks to Ellen, the remainder of the segment has also been located: bird phobia (maybe she worked on the Hills Have Eyes script) and... wait for it... mustard phobia.

And so the world came to a stunning, blazing end.

"Let's Kidnap a White Dude"

Before we get to Andy, behold a Great Moment in Matrimony.

And now it's time for another installment of...

ANDY'S (BIWEEKLY?) FRIDAY VIDEO CORNER



The cutest member of the Family Ties family not named Jennifer brings you more gut-busting hilarity and retina-searing awesomeness from around the Interblogospherewebs!

We begin with the real Gee Dubya... wooden-front wearin', cherry tree choppin', Redcoat killin' pussy magnet George Washington!! You better rekkinize.

Persuasive, to-the-point advertising. [via BoingBoing]

Mr. Britney Spears brings his freshest new jam: Hot Brazilian Care Bear Beats.

The most adorable crazy every-man-for-himself brawl in history. Never has mind-bending brutality been so huggable.

Speaking of warfare... Battle of the Fruits(??)! [Don't watch the whole thing, for the love of god.]

A kinder, gentler brand of National Socialism. [via BoingBoing]

First, watch Wolfmother's AOL Sessions. Then, watch this dude show them how it's really done.

Michael McDonald and Warren G climb the charts in Episode #7 of Yacht Rock.

MC Nuggets introduces the RCD2 in the first (and, most likely, last) episode of Drink of the Week.

And finally... one from the vaults. A true classic. Who wants a body massage?

So there you have it. A whole day's worth of useless crap that's sure to lower your I.Q. Have a great weekend!

Reason to Live #756

Hey you. Put down that razor blade. Get your head out of the oven. Now you've got something to live for. On the long list of reasons to keep on livin', The Coreys comes in at 756... right behind "sunsets" and just above "the guitar solo in 'Let's Go Crazy'."

**UPDATE** Reason to live #824: You aren't the dude in this video. Unless you are. In that case, I don't know what to tell you, pal.

(And speaking of YouTube, you really should check out Bitchfork's staff list of 100 Awesome Music Videos. Each video is available for watchin' right there. I love you, Interwebs.)

Check out more hot Photoshopped roadsign action. [via BoingBoing]

Those catty bitches over at Gawker almost made me feel bad about my enjoyment of Chuck Klosterman. Almost. Great title, though. (Okay, his last book really did make me wonder if the honeymoon was over.)

Famous Last Words

According to U.S. military officials, Abu Musab al-Zarqawi was still alive when he was pulled from the rubble of a Hibhib, Iraq, safehouse after an American airstrike. According to Maj. Gen. Bill Caldwell, Zarqawi "mumbled something but it was indistinguishable and it was very short" before succumbing to wounds sustained in the massive explosion.

Despite official statements to the contrary, classified military intelligence documents obtained by *bitter defeat* indicate that Zarqawi's final utterance was, in fact, recorded by Iraqi police. Although his voice is weak, he can clearly be heard to say, "No, no... I wanted a BUD LIGHT."

And now it's time for...

ANDY'S FRIDAY VIDEO CORNER



The newest member of the *bitter defeat* team, Andy Keaton from Family Ties, brightens your Friday by bringing you some mildly diverting video from around the Interwebs.

An honest mistake. Funniest video of the week. [Thanks Siobhann]

It seems Dee Lite and Biz Markie have started a children's TV show. Makes Teletubbies look like the The News Hour with Jim Lehrer. [via Fluxblog]

This is hardly new, but my mother sent it to me with the message, "Dude, don't do this!" Then she sent a follow-up e-mail that read simply, "BUUUURRP!" (Seriously, not Elise Keaton... the management's actual, real-life mom. And she started the e-mail with "Dude.") [Thanks Mom]

The new Fab Four: Sunjay, Jugdesh, Sunir, and Sastry! [via BoingBoing]

That's it! Have a great weekend and remember to think about Jesus all the time!

Happy Belated Birthday, *bitter defeat*!

Missing a loved one's birthday can be an embarassing faux pas. Missing your own birthday is borderline retarded. June 2 was BD's second birthday. Today is June 7. That sound you hear is a five-day-long "Duh." Anyway, in the great two-year-old tradition of *bitter defeat*, the management is proud to present... unconnected potpourri:

Since hits are down in our second year, the management has decided to introduce a cute child to the site, à la Andy on Family Ties.


The New Face of *bitter defeat*

The preceding was an abortively non-hilarious segue into yet another seriously awesome Inventory list over at The AV Club. And as a bonus, there is reference to a wonderful new term. The introduction of a cute new child to a flagging sitcom, almost always a sure sign of shark jumpage, is apparently called "Cousin Oliver Syndrome."

Our good friends over at Brooklyn Bunny are given the full-on interview treatment over at Gothamist. Well, it's kinda 50%-ish. They only interview Kevin Dresser, and they call Kate Johnson "Katie," which I'm sure she really appreciated. Anyway it's a good read, but I think all the added traffic is slowing down BB's Live Bun Cam. Roebling the bunny has been reduced to stop-motion; it looks like a bad experimental student film.

This is the first billboard you see upon arrival in hell.

"Now I always want to rest my hand on refrigerators."

A new Live from the WB podcast is up. Christ in a Jetta... they're already up to episode 14?? Anyway, it's live from the AIDS Walk.

Finally... and this is hard to shoehorn in after all the hilarity, but I gotta bring the party down...

R.I.P. Billy Preston. The man behind sweet soul and funk jams like "Billy's Bag" (not to mention all those sweet late-period Beatles organ solos on "Get Back," "Don't Let Me Down," etc.) passed away at the tender age of 59.

6/6/06: Happy... uh... Antichrist Day?

Today is 6/6/06, which, if you ignore the zero, bears a passing resemblance to the Mark of the Beast... or does it? According the the Religious Studies department at MTV.com, the actual number of the beast has been downgraded to 616. And many Famous Theologians agree. Which means all those satanic albums and movies missed their release date. Looks like the apocalypse was scheduled for last Thursday and someone forgot to give Lucifer the memo. Better luck in 1,000 years, O Lord of the Flies! And all you Christians currently engaged in 666 prayer marathons? Well I bet you feel pretty stupid. (Okay, you should feel stupid anyway. Have you ever actually read the Bible? There is some ridiculous shit in there. It's probably not all true.)

The arduous research that went into this post revealed something about the Interwebs: there are a ton of fucking nutjobs out there with computers, modems, and oodles of free time. I'm looking at you, 666 Watch. I mean, what sane person goes into "Mark of the Beast Studies?" I can understand the millions of porn sites out there. I mean, I get porn because, you know, it has all the nudity and sex. But why are there literally thousands upon thousands of sites devoted to serious discussion of the antichrist? And you should see some of the candidates they've come up with! George Dubya (along with most of his cabinet appointees) is far and away the leading vote-getter, which makes perfect sense, but you'd be surprised who else might be the instrument of The End of Days. Celine Dion is a popular and understandable choice. Bono's name comes up a lot, too. Some right-wing asshat pegged Barack Obama, which just made me want to vote for the guy even more. Marilyn Manson keeps insisting he's our man, but we all know he's just a harmless theater nerd from Florida. If there really is an Antichrist (and there isn't, because again, Christianity differs from, say, Greek mythology or purple-unicorn worship in exactly ZERO substantive ways), I have a few likely suspects:

1. James Blunt
2. Carrot Top
3. the entire San Antonio Spurs starting lineup
4. Dan Brown
5. Oprah Winfrey
6. Barney the Purple Dinosaur
7. Tony Danza
8. Cobra Commander
9. Donald Trump
10. Jesus H. Christ (Think about it. It's always the last person you expect.)

Now I know you're thinking to yourself, "How will I know the apocalypse (also known as armageddon, ragnarok, the quickening, judgment day, Satan's Superbowl, etc.) has finally arrived?" Fair question. It should look something like this:



...or possibly this:



For more on the antichrist, visit your local library. You could also go see The Omen, which opens today at a theater near you, or rent any Kirk Cameron movie made since 2000 (especially Growing Pains: Return of the Seavers).

Staring at the Wall... Really, But It's Like Totally a Metaphor and Stuff Too

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